I’ve been staring and thinking. Thinking too long. Thinking too hard.
I feel like it’s slipping. I was talking to a friend about how I use to write. Filling page after page. Always with a notebook. Always with my pen. Writing. Feeling. Expressing.
It’s gone.
I can’t even remember the last time I wrote. I can’t remember my last solidified idea. That’s living in the past. Thinking about the thens instead of the nows.
I don’t enjoy it as much as I use to. I’m too critical of myself. Too harsh. My perfectionism is peeking it’s ugly head. Thinking too much. Stressing too much. Looking at it and wanting it to be more. It feels as though the harder I hold on, the more it slips through my fingers.
Maybe through the course of time I’ve changed too much to be a writer. Too much structure, precision and tidiness finding its way into my life. There’s no time. There’s no room. It’s too organized. I’m no longer free to think and move and feel.
What’s good? What’s crap? Nowadays does it really matter? When there’s so much out there are simply sells does it really even matter that genuinely good works are being trampled and left by the wayside? And how many other awful things have been abandoned. Does rejection mean that my stuff is shit? Or should it be a confirmation since so much random crap – awful crap – get picked up?
Does it matter? Am I allowing myself to be defined by the standards and ideas of others? How much do I really depend on the opinion of others to qualify myself? Is this yet another item to add to my ever-expanding list of issues?
That’s tricky and something I’ve been combating myself this year.
Does it matter?
I don’t believe it does matter. It’s in the eye of the beholder. What matters is that you’re happy with it and content. If you go out looking for critiquing/help you have to be prepared to handle it and realize that a lot of what might be critiqued can be taken as “suggestions.”
Am I allowing myself to be defined by the standards and ideas of others?
Are you? Do you feel you are? Maybe you should stop trying to submit things and concentrate on just writing. Don’t try to write for a magazine, contest, etc. Try to write for yourself.
How much do I really depend on the opinion of others to qualify myself?
If we are constantly comparing ourselves to others, even those we admire, we will never meet our expectations of ourselves. There will always feel like there is something bigger and better. I think its important to realize this to overcome it.
Always remember to write for yourself. Even if it’s utter and complete crap. You can’t be perfect all the time, so try not to achieve perfection with every piece.
I think that whole perfectionism complex is something that I’ve been struggling with for a few years. I can’t even really say that I’ve been dealing with it my whole life because I haven’t. I actually remember a time when I didn’t. I remember roughly when it started, and it’s so stupid. I know when it started. I know what caused it, but I still can’t get away from it.
Most days it makes me go so crazy!
I fully understand.
This is what I did to try and break my impulsive need to continuously have to edit and re-edit myself. I bought a notebook that is meant for the sole purpose of writing. I would take 10 minutes and scribble every maniac thought that came into my head, then I closed it and buried it under a pillow… sometimes a stack of books. And I walked away.
I’ve been doing this about every other day. And then, I would allow myself once a week to go back to a previous weeks entries and allow myself to edit some of it/rewrite parts of it. It’s helped curb my need for perfection tremendously. I don’t know if it would work for you, but you may try it.
It might help break your current cycle.